


My Youth is Yours

by axumun



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Depression, Slight Canon Divergence, Spoilers, brotherhood era, slight noct/prompto?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-25
Updated: 2017-09-25
Packaged: 2019-01-05 04:17:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12182733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/axumun/pseuds/axumun
Summary: Noct took three servings of the soup, dutifully avoiding every vegetable he managed to spoon into his bowl. He poked at the confounded remains of his dinner before asking, barely above a whisper, "You sick of me?"





	My Youth is Yours

What had been festering in Noctis's bones since middle school as a chill of isolation and future responsibility was shifting to the present tense. Even just looking at the Ring on his feeble father's hand, he could feel the weight himself, feel it crushing his bones and making him woozy. He pushed away thoughts of being next in line to share the lethal burden.

Empty food containers, scrap papers, and soda bottles were starting to build up in his bedroom again. Ignis' words echoed like a sharp ring in his head, and he wanted so badly to prove that he didn't need anyone to clean up after him. But when he tried to connect that thought from his brain to his muscles, something shorted, and brought him back to the matter at hand: the curse of his royal blood.

His hands felt useless, his legs numb, his head heavy. He hid from every source of light and tried to find solace in sleep, promising himself that he'd have energy upon waking and would make Ignis proud. But it didn't come. In his unconsciousness he heard the Astrals screaming at him, beckoning for his life force, cackling at him for his fragility. He would wake up shaking, both cold and afraid.

This day was no exception, but when he came to, Ignis was in the kitchen, preparing dinner. He'd wasted a day trying to escape what would never cease hounding him.

"Highness," Ignis greeted, mild concern bleeding through his collected expression. "I hope you're well rested."

Was he ever? He couldn't remember. "Not how I'd describe it."

Noct took a seat at the table, paying little mind to whatever Ignis was cooking, though it smelled like soup. He could only stare blankly at the fabric of his sweatpants, trying to bask in Iggy's familiar presence. It was a small comfort.

He was roused from his meditation by the clink of a bowl being placed in front of him. As Noct suspected, Ignis had prepared a soup - something of the poultry variety, though he made a show of wrinkling his nose at all the vegetables that had been included.

Tonight, Ignis didn't insist on Noctis eating them despite his disgust, which was uncalled for. He was careful not to touch on any sensitive subjects, which was most of them - Noct's grades, the worsening state of his apartment, the Wall...

Noct wondered if Ignis had been replaced by someone else. 

He wondered if Ignis was giving up on him.

Noct took three servings of the soup, dutifully avoiding every vegetable he managed to spoon into his bowl. He poked at the confounded remains of his dinner before asking, barely above a whisper, "You sick of me?"

The genuinity of Ignis' shock brought Noct another small wave of comfort. "Noct, what do you mean?"

"Don't wanna burden you," Noct answered. "Like. I'm an adult now. Gonna be King someday. Soon. I shouldn't be waited on like a toddler."

"I'm well aware that you're trying your best, Highness," Ignis offered. "I've sworn my life to protecting and guiding you. You won't turn me away that easily."

"It wasn't your choice."

Ignis shook his head after a moment. "It is now."

Noctis set his fork down. He really did consider eating what remained of the soup, if only as a peace offering for his petulance. But his stomach was already knotting, his head swimming. The vegetables would surely make him vomit. 

"Good soup," Noctis offered.

"Not good enough to balance your diet," Ignis answered, but there was a playfulness replacing his normal edge. "How are you sleeping?"

"Like shit," Noctis admitted. It wasn't like he could hide it from Ignis if he tried.

"I could run a bath for you," Ignis offered.

That sounded amazing, but also felt like giving in again. "I should be able to manage that."

"I'll remain here until you're done, then," Ignis negotiated. "To ensure you don't fall asleep with the water running."

Noct cringed. It was one time.

"Also," Ignis continued, eyeing the almost-empty pot on the stove. "I'd hoped that soup would last you at least one more day."

"Eh," Noct shrugged. "Gives you a reason to come back tomorrow."

*

Ignis remembered the day that Bahamut bestowed the title of Chosen King upon his charge, who was barely old enough to walk in a straight line. Ignis wasn't much more capable of understanding it himself, but he was haunted by the small boy's oblivious joy, the rigid smile of the King beside him. He knew something about this wouldn't bode well. But despite having a couple of years on his liege, he was still much too young to define it.

This didn't stop the King from taking him aside, a firm yet caring hand on his shoulder, murmuring to him that Noctis must not truly come to know of his fate until he sat atop the Throne.

The request was repeated about five years later, when Noctis's destiny became clearer to Ignis than strings of Godly babble and grown-up words.

As he grew with Noctis, Ignis learned to care for and watch over the boy who would one day die rescuing the Light. He learned all of the Chosen King's favorite foods, could read his dreams as he slept, learned the intricate dance between subservient and nurturing. All to watch him perish.

"Why is he forbidden to know, Your Majesty?" Ignis pleaded of his King. As they aged, it became more unbearable to know how the story would end.

"He is the only one born of the Lucis line who has a chance to be a child," Regis had answered him, face tightening into something strained and guilty. "I've done my best to allow him that luxury."

This pacified Ignis for a few months, until his own head filled with doubts, until Noct's grip on reality became palpably looser, even without knowledge of his sacrifice. He swallowed the revelation every day. He dared not disobey his King. 

*

Noct felt his humanity slipping between shaky fingers.

He did his best to grip the fact that he was a symbol, at best. More like a trinket. His body was an hourglass, sand slowing his feet, his head empty. 

Prompto invited him out to see a movie after classes, and Noct hoped that it would be just enough of a scrap of personhood to bring him back to equilibrium. It was a dumb rom com that Prompto squeaked with laughter all the way through, forcing Noct to offer apologetic glances to those sitting around them.  
The kissing scenes were like a reminder of something he'd never felt. Sure, he'd been jerking off every now and then, but he hadn't ever given much thought to relationships. Prompto was one of the only people who made him feel normal after all; everyone else seemed afraid of him. 

It was hard to imagine touching anyone in that way...hard to imagine anyone in his bedroom besides Ignis, and certainly not in _that_ way...

Well... _probably_.

Noct squirmed in his seat, teenage hormones mingling with growing dread, like oil and water sitting heavy in his stomach. Prompto, unaware of his friend's turmoil, had finally calmed down and relaxed into the chair.

The Prince ached with a need to feel some sort of closeness, but he had no idea what the first step was. How did people even know they liked someone else, how could they say anything? When was it okay to kiss them? According to the movie, and many he'd seen previously, it didn't take long, which was enough for Noct's brain.  
By the time the credits rolled, Noct was drowning in a torrent of questions - _did he even like girls or guys better??_ \- sweat hitting his brow as Prompto pulled him by the shoulder out of his stupor.

Practically stumbling out of the theater, Prompto made small talk about the film - how cool the ending was, how funny the jokes were, how hot the lead actress was - but Noct couldn't grasp any of it. He was feverish with an emptiness he only tore open the more he tried to fill it.

The chill of the night grounded Noctis, if only a little. "Wanna hit the arcade?" Prompto asked giddily, and Noct obliged him.

Noctis tried his hand at a little of everything - a shooter, a racing game, even a couple of RPGs - but his head was foggy again. Noct waved to Prompto and explained that he just needed to step outside for a minute, cool the burning in his temples. He weighed the consequences of buying a pack of cigarettes.

Prompto was checking on him moments later, worry furrowing his brows, lips pursed with concern. 

Noct missed his questioning greeting, and before either boy was really aware of it, Noct was on his feet, his hands steady on Prompto's shoulders, turning him around until the latter was pressed against the wall, Noct's lips tentatively finding the shorter boy's. Limbs shaking, skin prickling...

Prompto made a distressed squeak of surprise, and at the slightest push against Noct's chest, Noctis took three long strides back, wiping his mouth as if trying to take it all back.

"What...the _Hell_ , Noct!?" Prompto demanded, still standing but caving in on himself, looking even smaller. 

Noct trembled under the weight of his mistake. He tried to find his voice to apologize but knew it wouldn't be enough. His brain was bursting. 

So he ran. 

He warped as far as his energy stores would allow, then he wore them down again to run like Hell. No matter how far he got, he felt Prompto's wide eyes fixed on him, trembling with something wet and afraid.

The one person who made him feel human was afraid of him now.

*

Noct called Prompto three times once he was under his covers again, ignored every time. 

He sent a text saying he was sorry, so fucking sorry. He wanted to ask Ignis what to do, but the apartment had been dark when Noct arrived.

The idea of falling asleep now terrified him, despite how tired he was. He sat up and cracked the blinds over his window, looking out at the stillness of midnight, stars obscured by the glow of artificial light.

"Six..." he whispered, reaching out for anything that would make sense. "Please. Tell me what I'm meant to do. I don't know if I can carry this much longer..."

Noct hauled in air through gritted teeth, thankful that he had privacy. "I don't know who I am! How can I be King if I don't know how to be a friend, to be _human_..."

The last shards of his childhood almost expected a reply, but Noct's only answer was silence, buzzing in his ears and drowning all else out.

Noct hid once again in the familiar heap of his bedsheets, heartbeat drowning out the dismissive murmurs of the figures that had sealed his destiny away from him.

*

Prompto still sat with Noct at lunch, to the latter's shock, but he was tense and quiet and didn't stay long. When Noctis apologized, searching his eyes, Prompto just shrugged and tossed a halfhearted explanation over his shoulder about needing to go to the library.

The loneliness wasn't new, but it cut deeper today. 

He arrived home before Ignis, hopping through a bunch of music videos, telling himself he was gathering the strength to make his own dinner. 

If Prompto never forgave him, maybe the poor boy's life would be easier without the Prince around. 

If Noct was forgiven...he would never lose control of himself again.

Noct almost missed Ignis inching through the door, hauling distended grocery bags with almost uncomfortable ease.

"You spoil me," Noct quipped.

"Wasn't planning on letting you starve tonight," Ignis returned, just as playful.

"I could've managed," Noct assured, turning to his advisor as he set the groceries on the counter. "There's Cup Noodles."

"By the Six, I will instill in you to live beyond your own convenience." Again, no edge. Ignis was unbagging the bounty - mostly non-perishable foods that took minimal preparation - rice, pasta, canned fruit and fish - though 'minimal' had a different meaning for Noctis.

Noct approached Ignis, studying the food laid out between them. "This is a good start," Noct told him. "But I still...uh..."

"Hm?" Ignis' hands stilled.

"As long as it's your choice," Noct murmured against the quiet, "I'd like you to keep cooking for me."

"For as long as I remain by your side, it will be my pleasure." Ignis met Noct's eyes with such elegant determination that it nearly made Noct fall to his knees, confess all of his demons.

Instead he managed a small, "Thank you."

Ignis put together a stir fry with some of the rice and the few fresh ingerdients that he brought. More vegetables, the sly dog. But there was meat too, so he couldn't protest too much.

"Sleeping better?" Ignis asked as they sat together.

The truth didn't come as quickly this time. He wanted so badly to show progress. He'd even consolidated all of the garbage to one corner rather than having it strewn about. But that was before Prompto...

"Worse," Noct answered, trying to brush it off. 

"Do you still have the dreams?"

"Sometimes," Noctis lied. 

"I worry." Ignis' tone had shifted into something a little more critical. "I worry that the balance you avoid in your diet carries over to other aspects of your life."

"You my shrink now?" Noct really wished he'd lied more.

"Your _adviser_ , and as such your mental health is very much my concern." Ignis tried to soften his tone again. "I'm aware of your burden. I'm aware of the toll that this takes on the King, on you..."

"Do you," Noct seethed, mouth full. "You can't know."

"I'm saying your responsibilities are even _more_ complicated, and I remain beside you to ease them in whatever way I can."

"My - what?" Noct carefully set his fork down. "What are you saying?"

Noct watched Ignis' face as he tried his best to compose his expression. He was failing. The same tight, shallow look in his dad's eyes was now present in Ignis', and it freaked him out.

"I've said too much," Ignis placated, looking down. "Once you are King - "

"You can't be serious!" Noct's palm slapped the table, less a show of aggression than of inward turmoil. "I have spent my entire Six-damned life being told I'll know when I'm older, I'll fulfill this prophecy bullshit, that when I take my dad's place I'll know exactly what to do. But I wont! No one is telling me anything, no one is helping, no one..."

Noctis couldn't meet his adviser's patient gaze. He took a few spine-rattling breaths to calm himself.

"Prompto won't talk to me. I scared him."

Noct barely caught Ignis' acknowledging nod. "This has bothered you."

"Damn right it has, and now I have no one." Noct felt his eyes burn and he wanted to hide, he wanted to scream, but most of all he wanted...

"Iggy," Noct managed. "Just tell me what I have to do. I don't give a shit what my dad said, I'll take the fall. I can't take not knowing why I'm here."

"Noct..." Ignis paused for four long breaths, then stood, casually pacing the kitchen as if pondering mundane matters.

"Tell me," Noct demanded, though it made him sound small, boyish. 

"When you take the throne," Ignis began, back turned to Noct completely as he continued to pace, "you will call upon the power of your forebears, and sacrifice yourself to the Crystal to hinder a shroud of eternal darkness and damnation."

Noct steadied his breathing, becoming statuesque. There was a numbness in the reveal, yet also a release.

"There's no other way," are the words that escaped Noct's lips. They were supposed to form a question, but became casual and resigned. 

"If there were, Highness, I would have found it by now. I have searched."

A long silence stretched between them, in their own spaces, their own traps. At last, Noctis whispered, "Thank you."

"The King will be much less pleased with me."

"It's not his life," Noct reasoned. Maybe it wasn't reason, maybe he was selfish, but now that he knew his fate, he had a point of attack. 

"Highness..."

"I have so much to learn. About the world, about _myself_. I won't get to."

He heard Ignis' breaths stagger.

"We could look together," Noct offered. "For another path."

Ignis reluctantly made his way back to the table, seeming surprised to meet Noct's determined expression.

"Is that selfish?" Noct asked.

"It's human," Ignis replied. 

*

At lunch the next day, Noct caught a glimpse of Prompto sitting on the balcony. Alone - always alone, unless Noct was by his side. Always by his side, until Noct betrayed him.

Noct made his way to the sliding door, forgoing lunch for potential forgiveness. The sky was dreary, threatening the city with rain, but Prompto didn't seem bothered. He was stiff, hunched, un-Prompto-like.

"Prom," Noctis called cautiously, receiving a sudden jolt and another small squeak from Prompto. "Prom, please listen to me."

Prompto didn't turn to acknowledge the prince, but Noct caught his nod, and his affirmative 'mm' as he chewed.

"I understand if you don't wanna be friends anymore," Noct continued. "I have no excuses."

"Noct..." Prompto finally stood up, as a sudden and violent gust of wind threw him off balance. Noct caught him quickly, though Prompto hadn't completely lost his footing; one hand found the blond's wrist while another tentatively held his shoulder.

Noctis thought he'd fucked up again...but he could hear Prompto _laughing_.

Prompto looked up at the prince, pulling at his hand and swiftly being set free. "You might not have an excuse," he answered, sounding a touch too serious for Noct's taste, "but it looks like we're all we've got."

Noct blinked at him. "I...I was foolish."

"Just ask me first next time?" Prompto grinned a proper Prompto grin, and Noct could only answer it with his own. 

"I...yeah. I'm sorry, Prompto."

A pang of worry knotted his stomach. Prompto couldn't afford to lose Noct, no matter how shitty of a friend he could be sometimes, and Noct needed _him_ too, if only to remind him that there was a sliver of humanity that he could see his reflection in.

"You'll take me, just as I am? It's not easy..." Noct was babbling, and he knew it. "There's...people are never gonna leave you alone, they'll photograph us..."

"Well, I'll just have to get a picture of us first then, huh?" Prompto fished around in his bag, returning with his camera, jumping into position at Noct's side to get them both in the shot.

"Oh," Noct breathed. "Uh, cool."

Prompto brought the camera to his side. "I've thought about it. It can't be easy for you either. You're like me, you don't have many people you can depend on. So if you make dumb mistakes, you'll probably make them with me."

Noct cocked his head. "How...how hard have you thought about this?"

"I dunno." Prompto fiddled with his camera, just as the rain fell upon them, sudden and heavy, wrenching another high and panicked sound from Prompto's throat.

"Inside!" Noct called, perhaps unnecessarily. They made their way to the door as Prompto desperately tried to shield his camera.

They made their way to the locker room, drying each other off as best as they could with what towels they could find, giggling all the while like they used to.

They walked back out into the hall as the bell rang, as Prompto looked up at Noct, murmuring so only he could hear, "I'm ready for whatever comes with being the Prince's bestie."

*

Noct seemed to receive a second wind upon the reconciliation, finally feeling as if tonight was the night that he could begin to fend for himself.

There was spaghetti, and also one of Noct's arch enemies: tomato sauce. Those would _not_ be going together. He'd seen Ignis make alfredo sauce enough to think he might be able to handle it...

The pasta seemed easy enough, so he started with that. The sauce, though...

He remembered the ingredients, but couldn't decide what order in which they were introduced, or how much...he did his best, but still ended up filling the kitchen with smoke...

This time, Ignis caught him before the saucepan ended up beyond the point of no return, closing the door and arriving at the stove with a fire extinguisher in one fell swoop.

*

"How's the pasta?"

Ignis noted Noct's genuine worry as he chewed. "Somewhat overcooked."

"Fuck," Noct seethed. He picked out the vegetable chunks, but besides that, the tomato sauce wasn't actually terrible.

"How is Prompto?"

"I think we're good," Noct answered with his mouth full. "Talked to him."

Ignis made a pleased sound. Their meal continued in silence for long minutes, until Ignis finally told the prince, "I appreciate the effort."

Noct's eyes gleamed.

"But I'd be more than happy to remain in charge of the cooking, it's no burden to me at all."

...and, dulled again.

"I'm glad you got to choose," Noct muttered. 

"Noct," Ignis began, but there was no silver lining to this. 

"I shouldn't ask." Noct put down his fork. "But...would you keep looking with me? Would you help me find a way around this?"

"I..." Noct could see the older man's head spinning in a way he'd never witnessed before. Ignis was weighing his loyalty to his King against that of his Prince, and the scale never seemed to stop see-sawing.

"I knew I shouldn't - "

"I will." Ignis' face became stern again as he pushed his glasses up. "With whatever power I may have, I will find another way to fulfill the prophecy."

"I don't want anyone to die," Noct said, and it was true. He didn't want any single person to be a martyr, a trinket, a symbol in his place. Everyone, including him, needed the chance to find themselves.

"I will see to it," Ignis assured him.

"You...You can't make a promise like that."

Ignis barely faltered. "I cannot. But if it is an order from my Prince, I will do the best that I can."

*

Much later that night, Noct rolled over in bed to grasp his phone, clumsily typing to Prompto:

_we good?_

Only minutes later, receiving:

_we good_


End file.
